They. Said. It. Couldn’t. Be. Done. Rejected Game Ideas VIII! If you’ve missed the other seven, then go read all the Rejected Games posts. Those seven are like the seven pillars of glittering wisdom. And this is like, well, the eighth pillar. It glitters like that really cool glittery nail polish. You know the one. Like that – if it was on the nails of a sphinx. Dang! Remember, these were never even considered as real games (they should have been, but were not – yet. Or never. Or, backwards?) and please don’t think they were or someone will remove me from this chair. And I like this chair. So, these are for fun! Fun! Fun! Fun! Four times the fun, then that times 2, because this is the eight version. But don’t listen to me, listen to the ninth wonder of the world, Curtis, who once said, “Please don’t steal. Or, if you do, steal well.” Now, on to the finest rejected game ideas ever, eighth style.
The Deadly Kernels of Corn-Fu
The game based on the famous movie based on the famous poem, here you are the hero fighting off the relentless Cob Cartel to save the Chowadah House of Abandoned Cyrnels. It’s a-maize-ing.
Ragnarok the Block
It’s a dance off of fated men in which the wildest moves win the chance to flood the world. Pick your dance persona from famous rump shakers Odin, Thor, Týr, Freyr, Heimdallr, or Loki and blacken the sun’s beams. Galactic smooth!
Helper Robots vs. Helper Monkeys
The hack-and-slash hit from Hackensack: pick your helper, pick your weapon, pick your footware – just don’t stop to pick your nose, because this game’s as quick as it is helpful.
The 5 Stages of Big Red
Delicous. Elated. Confusion. Headache. Despair.*
What For Glenn
An international game of espionage and high-stakes homeland-security hilarity. Follow legendary superspy comedian Glenn Mitsui from country to country trying to pick up his trail and knock him off in mano-a- mano comedic battles. It’s lugers and laughter!
Don’t Give Up the Sheep
Oh no, young shepherd, you’ve lost your flock. Make it through the many mazes –watch out, dragon attack! – to save those fluffy friends before they’re fricasseed. Be warned: the hills step off into whiteness!
Nazi Fighting Squids
The name says it all. Best game never made.
Oh Oh Oh!
There are massively massive on-line shooter games. Then there is Oh Oh Oh! Will you be a butterfly, fairy, or wood sprite? And will you carry bazooka, anti-aircraft gun, or surface-to-air missile? After that, it’s just battling.
It’s a chef off of philosophical proportions! The secret ingredient is unveiled and you have 60 seconds to make your menu – but it has to follow the philosophy of your chosen ancient Greek cook. To make it to the finals you’ll need to woo the taste buds of Epicurus himself.
The game that made Seattle famous! Start easy in the rhombic triacontahedron then work your way through the corners to Icosidodecahedron and all the way on down to the circle with one corner. Arise to wear the cape of heroic huddler.
Survival horror at the highest pitch of survivalism, travel the back alleys of Scholomance without getting snipped by Seville, the tonsorial artist of terror. The end result? Coiffeured or corpse?
Listen to garbled and noisy conference calls for clues to your next task! Attempt to fulfill assignments before they become irrelevant!**
Grocery Cart 500
Who does the jam got? Who does the jam got? It’s got butter and it’s hot, melting down in the big jam pot. Who does the jam got? Who does the jam got? Let’s hope it ain’t got you.
Gum Chewer X-treme
The first game ever to utilize the revolutionary “jaw-stick™” which takes video game controlling all the way to the mandibles. After that, it’s chewing and chomping for the title of Gummaster.
Where are the protestors, the slogans and signs? This will be a swift decline.
It’s the hard hats versus the cool chicks for control of Main Street. Big buildings and concrete or beaches, discos, and flowers? Either way, my money’s on Ursula Andress.
Pasty power to the rescue as plucky Pika Pierre plugs his powerbike up and down Pamplona to preserve his Pika pals from the pikes on bikes.
Management stalks middle-management. Workers run for cover. Temps cower. High-noon in the high-rise has arrived – and this time we’re re-writing history.
Deadly raiders in neon khaki grift infra naiads. Be encouraging nitwit.
Dictatortots VII: Usurpatatas
The newest mashing installment of the most popular video game series in the world, given 5 Fries Up from the Maine Potato Board and winner of 5 Silver Spud Awards, pits your cheesy but slightly chewy band of gratinolutionaries against the villainous Papa a la Huancaína.
*Manly and mighty Philip wrote this one.
**Dashy and dishy Dana wrote this one!